If ever there was some advice I like to give to others but have trouble accepting myself, its showing self compassion.

“Don’t be so hard on yourself.”

“No one’s perfect.”

“Cut yourself a bit of slack.”

I hear myself saying things like this to others, but I don’t often give myself the same kindness.

I beat up on myself on a regular basis. It’s a bit of a hobby really, but not a very healthy one. It could be something as simple as not making my bed in the morning or something I should or shouldn’t have eaten, to something I did or said to someone last week or even 30 years ago. I have trouble forgiving myself for the smallest of things and definitely for the big ones.

I envy people who have a healthy self esteem, who seem to rarely question anything they have done, or if they do, they forgive themselves almost instantly, not really giving a care what others may think of them for it, and move on. Give me some of that!!

So what do I do about it? How do I deal with that broken record in my head telling me I’m not a very good person?

Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) suggests I should tell myself that it is just a story in my head. And that doesn’t make it fact. I then try to notice my thoughts and study them from a third person perspective. I like to say to myself something like: “Interesting, it’s the ‘I’m not good enough story’ again”. I notice how it is making me feel physically and put it into words, as though I was a scientist studying the effects of it on a human body. Then, when I am beginning to feel less fused with my thoughts, I allow them to carry on in the background, a bit like a radio, and get on with my day.

Catching my negative thoughts before they have a chance of convincing me that it is true, makes the ACT process much easier. Sometimes that doesn’t happen but ACT is always helpful no matter how fused with my thoughts I am. It just takes a bit longer to unhook myself sometimes.

I was told once by my psychologist during a session on my lack of self compassion, to put my hand over my heart and say out loud, “I am just fine the way I am. I am worthy. I am okay right here, right now”. When I can remember to do just that, I find it helps me move on from the negative thoughts.

Almost every person on this earth is just trying to live their lives day to day as best as they are capable of. We generally don’t have trouble forgiving others for their misdemeanours and moving on, barely giving most things a second thought. Why should we not do the same for ourselves?

So start each day with your hand on your heart and remind yourself that you really are doing the best you can and that’s enough.

“Self compassion is simply giving yourself the same kindness to ourselves that we would give to others” – Christopher Germer.