How many times have I sat down at a blank computer screen with good intentions only to find that writing has eluded me yet again? Writers block? No, this isn’t fiction. And every time I fail, I push it a little further under, but I need to continue writing this story, Erika’s cancer journey.
But the next chapter is very difficult, the subject being Erika’s surgery. It was deeply painful and it seems so long ago now. I have forgotten bits, but the bits I do remember are the intense moments of fear. Those moments in time when I thought she was never coming back to us are seared into my brain. Though the surgery was a success, it seemed to me, even after she was bought out of sedation, that she just wasn’t in there. The empty look on her face, I recall in an instant. Where was our sweet girl? Would she ever be the same again?
Because it’s been so long, I now need to wait until I can discuss this particular period of time with my daughter to get the facts right, but without my granddaughter within ear shot, and she has great hearing and is listening when you might not think she is. Erika turned 3 just after finishing treatment. That was 18 months ago and she is now old enough to be effected by us discussing what she has been through and capable of asking very precise questions and not being happy with half an answer. Many of those memories have faded for her, thankfully, but she still knows she has been very sick.
Erika still reacts to certain things in ways that can only be described as trauma driven, whether she remembers the original source of the anxiety consciously or not. There’s toileting issues, pain issues (if she hurts herself, she insists she hasn’t and you cannot comfort her or even look at her for fear of someone ’treating’ her). She has a fear of losing things, from her beloved toy Puppy to a bug she desperately needs to catch. She insists on having certain doors shut and lights on. She dislikes people showing up without warning and greeting them is difficult for her. Printers, mowers, spider webs (even though she quite likes spiders), buttons and zips all cause irrational fear. Noises are still an issue, loud or unknown noises cause her to run and seek someone to pick her up immediately. All of this makes it difficult to find the right time to research and as time passes, so does my desire to return to those moments.
I must point out that she is, for the most part, very happy and we are so grateful she is still with us to be so happy. She has now started swimming lessons and Kindy. They are both challenging but she loves them. We are starting to feel somewhat normal again.
Even though we are getting some great help for her now, we don’t want to amplify her anxiety if we can help it. But I need to continue writing this, for her, so that one day, when she’s much older, she will understand her history. So I am patiently waiting for those times when we can properly discuss this time period and I can hopefully face writing this next chapter.
