You would think after 20 months of helping care for my young granddaughter through treatment for cancer that I would have an abundance of inspiration for writing, but I just don’t.

After the emotional turmoil of being in a constant state of awareness, I just feel emotionally exhausted. I also feel grateful we made it through, relieved to be home again and so happy it’s mostly over but nothing else seems worth the time to write about if it’s not this journey.

Each day it was, “What medicines does she need? When does she need them? How much pain is she in? How can we improve this day for her? What do we have to do to just get through this day? How do we just survive?” Those experiences can’t just be swept under the rug as if life could go back to the way it was before. It is now a huge part of who I am.

Sometimes it seems a world away now and other times I just can’t get the fear in her eyes out of my head.

Maybe I’m not as ok with it all as I like to believe. Being ‘strong’ for so long leaves one rather tired and I am unable to access much inspiration without going back there.

So maybe to go forward, I need to go back. I need to revisit the good, bad and horrifying that we went through to save Erika’s life.

I probably shouldn’t bore anyone, by writing a blow by blow account of it all. Will anyone want to read it anyway? I guess this blog is firstly for my benefit, and if anyone else gets anything out of it then great but I need to put it out there. Maybe it will give someone else hope. Or an appreciation for what doctors and nurses go through. Or make someone will appreciate their healthy kids more.

So, I am going to be selfish for a while here. Not for sympathy, not for praise, but just for me to heal, so I can move forward and be my best self for the ones I love, but especially for her.